Dear Kids,

Though words cannot adequately express how much I love you, there are a few things I wanted you to know as you develop into the fine young people I expect you will become.  Hopefully, you will remember these words and keep them in your heart long after I’m gone:

  1. When you ignore my repeated exhortations to “GET UP and GET DRESSED” for 20-30 minutes and refuse to participate in any apparel or meal planning, chances are you’re going to be late for school.  When this happens, it’s dangerous for you to say things like, “Jeez, mom!  Why do I always have to wait for you to get ready?” or, “Why are you always the LAST one out the door?”
  2. The night before an assignment is due is not the best time for you to introduce that assignment to your parent.  (Relatedly: This is not the best time to present a list of demands that includes items as varied as: Styrofoam balls, Peeps, corn starch, and “solar panels”.)
  3. While we’re on the subject of random building materials, please understand that requiring you to find a reasonable space to contain your collection of empty toilet paper rolls, egg cartons and two-liter bottles is not an attempt by me to “quash your creativity”.
  4. Calling me a “big jerk” is not (and will never be) the way to ensure that you’ll have a piñata at your birthday party.  Or, really, that you’ll even have a birthday party at your birthday party, if you know what I mean.  (It will, however, ensure that I call my best friend to ask, “What do you think she meant by ‘big’?”)
  5. While I totally get how funny any kind of scatological reference is to you, I don’t think your near-constant use of the phrase “take a duke” is appropriate. (Although, kudos for using a phrase more original and hip than the traditional “take a dump”.  I can appreciate that you are, perhaps, something of a wordsmith.)
  6. And, lastly, when plans change or a “maybe” solidifies into a “no”, I have not lied to you.  I have lied to many, many people over the years and have probably lied to you in ways that will leave you embittered as an adult (I mean, the odds are against you becoming a rock star/movie star/US President, no matter how hard you work in school).  Because I know when and how to prevaricate, I don’t need to waste my time “lying” to you about whether or not you can have your friend ride the bus home with you; maybe you will, maybe you won’t. 

I hope these little tidbits (and their larger implications) will help us navigate the choppy waters of pre-adolescence.  At the very least, heeding these words will prevent you from losing time on your beloved DSi.

With all my love,
Mom