Thu 8 Jul 2010
A Different Kind of Independence Day
Posted by admin under Uncategorized
[7] Comments
I found out today that I am divorced. Again. Initially, I felt like celebrating. This divorce has been going on since November and has been contentious. Having it behind me seemed like a positive thing. As the day goes on, however, I’m experiencing some pangs of sorrow that surprise me, but I figure that’s a pretty natural reaction. At any rate, it looks to be an interesting day, emotionally-speaking.
On the one hand, the constant hurry-up and wait of family law has worn on me and I am glad to be done with it. Plus, quite plainly, I’m broke and have been waiting on my settlement so that I can afford to pay off some bills, get some furniture, and maybe buy a little house. So, I was relieved when I called the Family Court office today and found out that the divorce had been finalized on July 1. Time to move on and all that…
But, now? Eh. I’m starting to feel pretty sad. I mean, I’m sure that’s normal, right? After all, young women don’t sit around dreaming about the day they finally get divorced, do they? Of course not. Divorce is just hard, I guess. Primarily, I’m sad for our children, who absolutely don’t want this to be happening. I know, having experienced the divorce of my parents at a young age, how disconsolate and lonely they are feeling right now. And I know how terrible it is to have no control over a situation that is so personal and affects you so profoundly. I would do anything to take away their pain. Except stay married to their father.
Like millions of other divorces, the reasons for mine were myriad. Too many harmful things were said and done, but never amended or forgiven. The kids saw a lot of that. So, even though I know they both have a new sadness to carry around, I have to believe that we made the better choice on their behalf.
Ugh. I was trying to make this coherent: a thoughtfully prepared essay on my first day as an officially-single mom. But, it’s hard to do be thoughtful and coherent through tears.
Damn it, and on my first foray back into the blogosphere. Oh, well. I’ll live to blog (and probably marry) again! (Although, God help the poor bastard it happens to.)
I’m glad all the yucky stuff is out of the way, but I think it’s normal to also feel sadness. Especially for your children.
I love you, Karan! I think all your emotions are absolutely normal (and coherently laid-out in your writing). And the ending is pure Karan. Perfect.
Love ya Karan. Keep your eyes on the fabulous future that is ahead of you. You’re strong, independent, smart, drop dead gorgeous … you will do just fine.
Please be as kind to yourself as you would be someone else going through this same experience. Life is full of twists and turns. Maybe things are a little twisty now, but they’ll get better.
P.S. I love you for a myriad of reasons.
When I discovered your blog, to be honest, I never expected much. Don’t take that personally, it’s just that very few bloggers seem to have a command of the language and their content is cumbersome and very self-involved.
The other thing is that many bloggers wear masks, metaphorically speaking, and use many words to disguise their true feelings or ride the anger rant-and-rave style to tedium. I lose interest and think that most people do.
What I’m trying to say is “bravo”. Keep it real, keep it honest and people will read it.
In the end, I write for my own therapy. Call that self-indulgent sure, but it’s better than keeping all these things inside until one day you burst and can’t handle things.
Bravo.
That was pretty coherent — and straight from el corazon. I didn’t notice tearstains on the blogpost, but then I read it on a tiny iPhone screen over a lunch of cream cheese bagel and pears at Taylors. Good fortune to you, your tiny ones and your ex as you all move onward into new country. Hug.
But I showed up at 10:36!
That’s funny.