What I Want

I want to trust and to believe.  I want to love with my whole heart. I want to tell the truth.

I want to be trusted.  I want to be accepted as I am, but encouraged when I try to change for the better.  I want to be special to someone who is special to me.  I want to be loved, and then loved some more.

“I want you to want me.”

I want to be part of a close family.  I want a de facto husband.  I want what Kurt and Goldie have!  I want the “step” in step-parent not to matter so much. I want my kids to love and be loved, and learn coping skills that I could never teach them.  I want them to see “calm in action”, which we’ve not seen before.  I want us all to be open.  I want to learn that “quiet” and “private” are ok, too.  I want kisses on my forehead and spooning.  I want to soothe you when you’re worried, make you laugh, and do all of your laundry.

I want some land. I want room to breathe and plant tomatoes.  I want a horse.  I want to stay snuggled in when it snows and stay out all day when it’s sunny.  I want a porch swing. 

I want to get my boobs done.  I want to not want this, but I want it anyway.  I want you to say you’re against me having unnecessary surgery even though I know you’d like the results.

I want to travel some.  I want to take trips with my family and trips with the love of my life, and maybe some trips alone.  I want to visit: Taos, Austin, Nashville, New York, New Orleans, San Francisco, and maybe someplace in Maine.  I want to go back to Italy, and stay longer.  I want to see France, England, and Ireland.  I want to make friends everywhere I go and invite them all to West Virginia some day.

Always, I want to come home.  Be home.  I want a home that feels safe and warm. I want to fill it with books and art and, eventually, gangly teenagers. I want to write and cook and drink wine with my best friend (especially in ten years, when we turn 50 and will need all the wine).  I want to tell the damn dog to get off the couch.  I want my cat to find a place of his own, in this house, where he doesn’t need (or knead) me so much.  I want to break up brother/sister arguments.  I want to catch them covering for one another when they’re in trouble. I want their grubby little friends here, too. I want to run a pitcher of  iced tea out to the studio and then linger over the new paintings for a while.  I want to cook-out and have fires and listen to someone play the guitar.  I want to just be. Home.

I want my shoulders to relax.  I want my anxieties to slip away.  I want to feel more peaceful.  Serenity now!  I want to laugh more, cry more- fear less. 

I still want you.