Karan-a-go-go

How the hell am I supposed to become more spiritual when no one will do what I want them to???!

JK.  I know that the world is not going to conform to my desires, which is most definitely a good thing.  But, it does seem like the minute I start asking for some kind of help from a higher power, the people (ahem… very small people who are closely related to me) in my life decide to behave as badly as they can.  I wonder if it’s just a coincidence.  Or, are there, in fact, no coincidences?

Anyway, I’m exhausted.  I spent the day running kids to and fro and getting very little appreciation- or respect, for that matter- in return.  I’ll still say a little prayer of thanks tonight for the little ingrates and hope that things will be a little better tomorrow. 

I at least got my little girl’s bedroom cleaned out and am ready to start on step two of making it cool: window treatments and furniture rearranging.

It was a beautiful day today, too.  So, there’s that…

It’s the weekend- yay!  I am happy to not have much of anything planned except for more work around the house.  I love the thought of getting there tonight and not leaving until Sunday; although, really that’s not what’s going to happen on account of my kids and their crazy social schedule. 

FOUR birthday parties this weekend!  FOUR! 

Anyway, for me that just means a lot of dropping off and picking up; hopefully, in between that I can get some stuff done.  My plan includes totally emptying my daughter’s room and then returning much less stuff to it and in a different layout.  I’ve got the before pics, so look for a “before and after” post next week.

The only other part of my plan involves some required reading, a little writing, and maybe cooking some soup on Sunday. 

Have a great weekend, everyanyone!

  I don’t have a lot to say, but I’m trying to get back to regular posting, so I thought I’d just check in. 

Well, I do have something: I’m on the wagon.  Off the sauce.  I’ve been this way now for a WHOLE week and two days.  I feel pretty good, except that I’ve totally let myself eat way too much of the kids’ Halloween candy.  Sort of, “well, my body wants the sugar it would naturally take in via a few glasses of red zin, soooo… why not eat seven of these Almond Joys?”

Anyway, I hope to curb sugar next; fun size M&Ms don’t have quite the same draw for me as dark, craft beer or champagne, so hopefully all will go smoothly.

In other news, I am contemplating a new blog based on my 41st year (or, really, I guess it’s my 42nd year, right?) of life.  I am on a serious search for genuine health and happiness and, to that end, I’m trying to narrow my focus to the few things that I really want to do well: getting sober and fit (physically, spiritually, mentally); rearing well-adjusted and happy children; maintaining positive relationships; and WRITING.  All that should take up most, if not all, of my time.  (Although, I’d like to do some of that while traveling, so count that, too: travel.)

I’m thinking of a one year blog.  Operation 41.  Project 41.  Something like that. Fred suggested Area 41, which I thought was funny, but not what I want.  Anyone else have any suggestions?

So, the thing about this blog is this: it’s really an online diary.  I don’t think that’s necessarily what I intended it to be when I started it, but I have a tendency- even in my more thematic Mommyhood blog- to write in a confessional style.  I write what I know and what I know best is me and how my brain works.  I could just as easily be spilling all of my secrets to you at a cocktail party or a PTO meeting as on this blog, and in return, I’d want to know all about you- your thoughts, your feelings, your fears, and what makes you happy.

I’ve come to accept this about myself, this openness;  I think it comes from being a weird combination of  intensely introspective and extremely extroverted.  Being this way helps me know others on a deeper level (if they’ll let me), helps me better understand myself, and- frankly- makes my life a little more interesting than if I were to suffer a bunch of bullshit small talk.  Overall, I’ll take it.

There is a problem with this kind of candor, though: it renders me more vulnerable to criticism than I might be if I were close-mouthed.  Because I am always trying to sort things out, or get to the truth of something, I can end up sounding a bit neurotic.  Which works if you’re Woody Allen, but maybe not so much for Jane Q. Public. 

For instance, I heard (second-hand) recently  that someone attributed my relationship woes to my being “insecure”.  While I don’t think this was intended as an insult, I was nevertheless taken aback.  I mean, it’s true that I have insecurities (and I’ll go so far as to say I have more than my fair shair), but who among us doesn’t?  Because I am more likely to share my doubts and fears with others, in an effort to connect or to learn something from someone else- or even just to vent- I’m afraid I’ve given people an incomplete picture of myself. 

In reality, I’m a warm, funny, smart, flawed, and strong person who- despite sometimes being full of fear- has managed to do some pretty fearless and amazing things.  I am constantly trying to create my best possible life and, though I sometimes feel like giving up or opting for the devil I know, I keep on trying to achieve my goals. I have a keen intuition that’s perhaps been slightly damaged by my occasional insistence on IGNORING it.  And, underneath it all, I am basically an optimist who is able to dream big and see the all the possibilites out there for me and, inasmuch as I can, for those I hold dear to me!

And, so, while I sometimes (maybe often) feel insecure, I think attributing my relationship troubles to the fact that I am insecure is inaccurate, or at least just a portion of the whole story. (Also, it bears noting that I tend to be more insecure when I have been lied to or mislead, whether purposely or not- I think that’s natural.)  As I age, I can see that I likely bring more baggage into a relationship than I would have, say, at 20.  But, I also bring more insight and I am more likely to call bullshit when someone tries to make me responsible for problems that are not mine.  I’m more than willing to be honest about what I need to work on; I don’t need to take on more than that. 

Which, I guess, brings me back to my orignal point: when one is very open, she needs to be wary of how she is perceived, overall.  After all, maybe appearance really is everything, but- if so- I hate it.  I want to get down to the truth and mostly the truth isn’t so superficial.  Right?

Eh… when I started writing this, I had a clear idea of what I wanted to say.  Now that I’ve gotten this far, I see that I’m starting to ramble.  I think that means I’m operating partially out of hurt feelings and defensiveness.  Which doesn’t mean that what I’ve written is not true, just that… like almost everything else, it is only part of the story.

Ah, well… blah, blah, blog. 

Have a good one, everybody!